When To Cut Someone Off

When do you say enough is enough? When do you cut a person out of your life? When do you decide that a bridge needs to burn to the ground? 

“Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

The psalmist identifies with our struggle when he wrote, “For it is not an enemy who taunts me—  then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—  then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend.” (Psalm 55:12-13) So when do we decide to cut someone out of our lives? Here are 8 key indicators

1. They disrespect your boundaries – Proverbs 17:17 “A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” A toxic person will tend to keep challenging, negotiating, and violating your boundaries in order to maintain their access. In many cases, they know from experience that they will eventually wear you down, which only reinforces their behavior.
2. They’re manipulative or controlling – Proverbs 22:24-25 “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” To a toxic person, relationships aren’t true relationships based on mutual love and respect, but a means to an end. That end could be any number of things: a sense of power, a gratification from directing another person’s actions, a reassurance that they’re liked and needed, or access to material benefits.
3. They always have to be right – Proverbs 27:19 “As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.” Toxic people often struggle to admit when they’re wrong because recognizing that they made a mistake (even a minor one) or hurt another person is too threatening to their ego.
4. They’re always the victim – Proverbs 27:9 “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” A toxic person has to always be right and has the tendency to play the victim. In a world where they can’t be wrong, dysfunctional people will often default to being the wronged party.
5. They’re judgmental – Proverbs 17:9 “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” All human beings are judgmental — having opinions is just part of our wiring — but a toxic person embraces and acts on those judgments to a problematic degree. They tend to view the world through a very rigid lens of (usually negative and self-serving) opinions. They struggle to approach other people with empathy, curiosity, and openness. As a result, criticizing and judging is almost a sport to them and it usually serves to boost their self-esteem.
6. They’re all take and no give – Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him.” Toxic relationships are usually predicated on one key objective: self-enhancement. To a toxic person, a relationship isn’t a healthy, dynamic, generous vehicle for shared value. It’s a parasitic, one-sided arrangement designed to fulfill the toxic party’s interests. Toxic people will take any form of value they need time, energy, attention, affection, material possessions, expertise, pleasure, social status, and even other relationships. In return, they’ll offer very little.
7. They lie – Proverbs 16:28 “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” Toxic people twist facts, hide information, or overtly lie and when confronted, they’ll resist owning up to their deceit even, strangely enough, when it’s about small things. Whether they’re lying to manipulate another person, to enhance their reputation, to secure a desired outcome, or to mask their shame, toxic people rely on lies as part of their operating system.
8. They leave you feeling drained – Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” Toxic people have a way of making you feel drained and diminished. Meaning that you have less physical and mental energy after spending time with them, not more. They often leave you feeling low, demoralized, unconfident, unsteady, or unappreciated. 

You’ll probably encounter plenty of demanding, difficult, and undesirable people in your life. But that doesn’t mean you need to cut them all off. Indeed, there are many situations where cutting someone off — even someone who is truly problematic — isn’t prudent or even possible. In Romans 15:1-2,5&7 we read, “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.  May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus,  Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” So we have an obligation as Christians to bear with the failings of the weak, but we all have limits, and rightly so.

Cutting someone off might just mean pulling back on the amount of time you spend with them which also usually means that you need to recategorize them in your mind, so you’re clear with yourself about your expectations and feelings. But if a toxic person’s behavior is truly egregious — and the only way to protect yourself is to explicitly cease all contact with them — then you might need to formally distance yourself from them. Your life will never be completely free of toxic people, patterns, or situations. You can expect to encounter dysfunction wherever you go, whether it’s in your social life, your office, your family, your neighborhood, or the world at large. Toxicity is everywhere. Which means that the only reliable way to eliminate (or at least reduce) toxicity is to manage your response to it. For it is written in 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” So what if you decide to not cut someone off? The Bible is clear about two things, first don’t keep tight-knit friendships with someone who isn’t a believer as we read in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 “Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?” And secondly, if we decide to not cut them off we should pray that God would use us to help them grow and mature in love as the writer of the book of Hebrews tells us, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:24-25) Let me encourage you when you find yourself coming to this crossroad in your life, pray! Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you through whatever decision he has you to make.

Some excerpts are taken from jordanharbinger.com